People view the world differently, depending on their profession. My architecture professor once said that the invention of the flushing toilet was essential for modern architecture.
My engineering professor, on the other hand, was disgusted by the invention of the cellphone—not because of its design, but because of its purpose. He asked us:
“If you receive a call while you’re at the toilet, do you answer it while relieving yourself?”
I’m a writer, so I imagined what my architecture professor would’ve answered to that:
“Were it not for the toilet, there wouldn’t even be cellphones, because there wouldn’t be a quiet place in the house to make phone calls.”
*
Statistics often lie, but for a writer, they can sometimes be downright terrifying.
Studies conducted on crows in captivity showed that crows can remember human faces for up to seventeen years.
But the average lifespan of a wild crow is seven years, which statistically means that if you’ve ever offended a crow, you’ll be haunted by it for ten years.
*
Thanks to gene-editing technologies, scientists have managed to grow human organs inside pigs.
As a writer, I imagine this is good news for vegans—finally, we can enjoy a tasty vegan version of the pork cutlet… And family recipe will take a whole new connotation.
*
Once I got into trouble for speaking my mind, and my sister advised me not to call stupid people stupid, because no one likes hearing that.
But I’m a writer, if I wasn’t able to talk about the stupid things happening around me, I would have nothing to write about.
And if you prefer positive reinforcement over raw honesty, you’re twice stupid: Once for not wanting to hear the truth and twice for letting someone sugarcoat your stupidity.
The UK and Poland sent tanks to Ukraine to help it fight.
The USA sent missile systems. But I’m a writer,
so I suggest simply sending them weapons of mass destruction:
planes full of politicians.
*
Zoologists describe that female monkeys fake orgasm by making rhythmic sounds,
to help the male finish among the jungle noise.
I’m a writer, so I assume they also laugh at their unfunny jokes.
*
People say that traveling broadens horizons. But I’m a writer,
so I think the last traveler who really broadened them was Columbus.
Maybe in space we’re to discover what we’re truly looking for,
because in Paris, Tokyo, or Seattle there is no escape from our final destination.
*
Once I invited a Polish woman on a date, and she wrote back: “I’m not interested.”
I was glad, because I’m a writer and I’m not interested in anything either —
it’s not interest that guides my life, but pleasure and truth.
*
I’m a writer, so I’m not fond of psychologists,
self-development influencers or motivational speakers.
Because at most they teach us how to live,
but not the most important thing —
how to die.
