What’s the deal with free-range food?
The other day, weirdo Facebook asked me:
“Do you want your ads to be personalized based on your intimate desires… or just randomly mixed up?”
No, Facebook. What I want is for you to stop surveilling me like a Chinese regime.
That’s like asking, “Do you want your chicken to be happy or sad before we kill it?”
No, what I would really like is for you to stop murdering chickens. But I want to eat it too, so, at least don’t make a whole sadistic experience of it.
That video of it frolicking in the sun with its little chicken pals while I was grinding it down with my teeth was cool, but not really necessary. Next time, just cut it up into little anonymous cutlets, unrecognizable from anything that once had dreams of flying or becoming a Velociraptor and killing us all. Just give me the fillet. Keep the chicken’s backstory to yourself.
***
Speaking of death…
People say stuff like, “I wouldn’t want to live forever.”
It reminds me of that book: Interview with the Vampire, which is basically 400 pages on loneliness among vampires.
Poor you, immortality weighs too heavily on your vampire soul.
But let’s be real for a moment—if there was a vaccine for death, everyone would take it.
There’d be no “anti-death-vaxxers.”
Even vegans would be like:
“Wait, are you saying it’s made from the blood of virgin chickens? …Yeah okay, hit me.”
They’d probably do it in the dark, though, here in Poland most probably in some forest, selling their souls like vampires. Small price to pay for eternity, though.
***
And what’s the deal with death?
Most atheists don’t understand the difference between religion and faith.
Religion is going to a place of prayer, where you try to get refuge from the fact that you and everyone you love are just dust in the making.
Faith is the brave belief you’re upgrading to a better place after this glitchy simulation.
If you’re an atheist, instead of attacking the only shelter people get from cruel reality, you should attack the idea of immortality instead. Explaining why are there sensible beings in a nonsensical Universe is a little harder than pointing out that a two thousand-year-old institution is outdated.
Because we’re all immortals. It’s just that immortality is not that fun.
Materially, we were nutrients up plants’ veins, then shit down an animal’s anus, and so on. And spiritually, we sleep, then we wake up to a long string of suffering— which is really just grooming us into welcoming death once we’re old and shaky.
Try to dismantle that, atheists.
***
Necessity is the mother of invention—but sometimes it’s just straight-up laziness.
Take the washing machine—total necessity. I’m not wading into the Warta River to wash my underwear anymore.
But the dishwasher? You waited months for the perfect moment to stab your loved ones in their sleep, quarter them, and hide their bodies all over the house. But rinsing the bloody knife is too much to ask? That’s laziness, your honor.
The car? Absolute necessity. You‘ve got to get places.
But the electric car? You can’t be bothered to breathe through a thick cloud of smog? Strain those lungs and earn your asthma like the rest of us.
***
There’s a guy called Piotr Szum who is so dumb, I once told him he was doing something dumb—and instead of stopping, he did something even dumber. Because in his mind, two wrongs make a right.
He’s so dumb that when I tried to explain the saying “a rolling stone gathers no moss”— which means that if you never settle down, you never grow anything meaningful—Piotr Szum looked me dead in the eye and said:
“What do rocks want moss for anyway?”
He is so pothead dumb, that once I told him that love is the most potent drug and he said: How much for a gram?
He is so illiterately dumb, that once he read the news that in Poznan a jealous guy killed his ex-girlfriend’s boyfriend for love, and he said: I don’t think his love language is the best.
He’s so physiologically dumb that when I asked him why he says “czarna cholera” instead of “jasna cholera,” Piotr Szum said that, knowing his body, he’s more likely to crap himself than to throw up.
*
