Some years before Covid, a vegan couple moved into my flat. The guy, an American hippy, told me that we would get along very well, because he was a communist. I tried to connect the dots, and my best guess was that he thought: Argentina, Che Guevara, artist, poor … communist.
At the beginning, I didn’t mind his threatening to institute a classless system in which private property and individual freedoms are severely curtailed. After all, all households are communist by definition, since the State, that is, our parents, provide for us the minimum wage to survive and become the next proletarians, and we live in a house that is not ours.
His hippism was foreshadowed when he asked me how often times we had to flush the toilet. I answered: every time, while a toilet stained in yellow flashing in front of my eyes.
I even went dumpster diving with him a couple of times, and we got lots of fruits and vegetables from the Wildecki Market. I also flattered their vegan sausages once, saying that they tasted like real sausages, but the hippy didn’t like my compliment, and rebutted that If they tasted like real sausages, he wouldn’t eat them. Apparently vegans like their food only looking like meat, but tasting like cardboard.
But our brotherhood came to an end when I practiced a little communism myself by taking some of their vegan spices. The hippy immediately came to my room complaining that someone had stolen their food. Apparently vegans only like showing off their food, but not sharing it. He asked if it had been me and I said no, because I hadn’t stolen anything but simply taken it without permission. He said: If they touch my stuff from the kitchen, what prevents them from breaking into my room? Quite a crime spin, I thought, from eating someone’s food to stealing their valuables, but apparently communists like their communism only looking like communism, but sounding like bullshit.
I decided from that day on to prepare my meat in the shape of vegetables to try to tempt him to steal some. After all, two can play the same game. After they moved out I became a communist vegan myself, but a real one, which means that wherever I see vegan food, I surreptitiously add some meat on it, so Vegans can sleep placidly thinking that their meat shaped meatless food is more delicious than meat.